A Curious Epidemic
by ScarletDeva
Summary: A strange virus attacks Hogwarts and causes a peculiar epidemic. Severe oddness warning. Also, not nice to Harry!


**A Curious Epidemic**

By ScarletDeva

Author's Note: My dear and very amusing friend hit on an idea and challenged me with it. As I am never one to back down from a challenge, I kicked my muse, stretched my fingers and came up with this little thing. Enjoy. Warning! Do not take this seriously!

Summary: A peculiar virus infects Hogwarts. What results is a strange mixture of sense and insanity.

Dedication: Justin. You ask and you shall receive. Hugs and chocolate kisses.

Rating: PG

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One early morning, as the sun shone gently through the window into the 5th year girls' dorm in Gryffindor tower, the birds sang sweetly and life was generally good, something strange happened.  Something extremely strange.  Virginia Weasley, the girl forever in love with the great Harry Potter and tagalong of the Dream Team suddenly got hit by… Character Development.

She jolted up in her comfortable bed and gasped.  What conclusions ran through her mind we will never know, okay we will but not just yet, for she jumped out of bed and began to dress hurriedly.  A set of clean clothes later she rushed to the Great Hall for her usual… or maybe not so usual breakfast.  Ginny did not bother to seek out anyone familiar but simply plopped down in a seat and grabbed for a high stack of pancakes.

"Gin," her roommate Annie Jones called out, "I thought you were trying to lose weight so Harry would like you more."

Ginny shrugged and poured a lake of syrup on top of her morning treat.  "Harry? Harry who?"  The idle chatter audible throughout the Great Hall up and died.  For Ginny's words were not only blasphemy, but for her to have been the one to utter them… it was simply unthinkable… unreal…

Ginny speared a bit of her pancake on a fork and casually stuck it in her mouth as the silence weighed heavily over the room.  And so it continued for a good few minutes until the sound of laughter drifted from the Slytherin table.  Ginny looked up with interest and her eyes met those of Harry's least favorite person, the gray eyes of Draco Malfoy, a.k.a. Mr. Slytherin.  At that moment something new and unusual happened.  Draco Malfoy became the second victim of the Character Development Virus.

Draco jumped from his seat.  "I've been saying that for years. Hah! I'm not the only one who thinks it… Hey! I'm not the only one who thinks it!"  Ginny smiled widely at him before going back to her pancakes and her eyes began to wander around the area, taking stock of all the people she never noticed in her former Harry-blinded state.  Meanwhile Draco got up, his forehead wrinkled with thought.  What he though we may never know, or maybe we will, but what he did in another moment was rather self-explanatory.  He walked to the Gryffindor table and pulled Hermione Granger from her seat and her textbook and planted his lips on hers.  The hush got even more deadly.

As he pulled away, after unknowingly infecting Hermione with his new affliction, he began to speak.  "You know what, I have a personality. Novel concept? Not really. I'm not just a two dimensional evil creep who makes fun of people just for the joy of causing them pain. And if you're all wondering why I just kissed the one girl who I have been tormenting since day one… well I got a clue. And you should all get one. A large neon clue. It's all very simple. I'm smart and talented. I can only properly interact with my equals. She is the only one to ever adequately match wits with me. She is my equal. Any questions?"  None were forthcoming.

Hermione stared at him for a moment.  "You have a point there Draco. You are my only intellectual equal around here. And I'm tired of bailing those two idiots from whatever deep hole full of badness they got themselves into. Consider Hermione Granger having gotten a clue."  And she pulled him back to her and kissed him.  The hush now hung with the consistency of melted marshmallows.  Ginny grinned.

Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, who had been standing in the doorway to the Hall throughout all the speeches, blinked.  Several times.  And again.  But the image would not go away.

"Pinch me," Harry whispered hoarsely.  Ron reached out blindly and pinched Harry's hip.  "Oww."

Ron walked up to the kissing couple and tugged on Hermione's shoulder.  She drew away from Draco reluctantly and looked at the rapidly flushing boy.

"Yes, Ron?"

"Hermione, how can you be kissing our mortal enemy?!?"

She stared hard into his eyes.  "Okay, now can you say Voldemort? Say it with me… Vol-de-mort. Sound familiar? That's our mortal enemy. I'm kissing Draco. Dra-co. Does that sound like Voldemort? No? Good."  And she went back to the aforementioned activity, not noticing that she had added another link to the chain of infection.

Ron blinked, and again, and again, and several more times, until he apparently realized that he looked like a total airhead moron and stopped.  "Well that made sense," he finally uttered and several thunks could be heard as a few first year Hufflepuffs fainted dead away.  For Ron Weasley to say that anything related to kissing Draco Malfoy made sense, especially when connected to Hermione Granger… well no one was exactly sure what universe they were in, but it was surely not the same one as the day before.  Ron grinned ruefully.  "I'm a dreadful git aren't I? I judge people without knowing them and make demands on people that I do not reciprocate. So sorry, Herm."  He shook his violently red hair and turned to walk out of the Hall but not before his gaze caught the Headmaster's.  You can probably guess what happened then…  Yes, the esteemed Professor Albus Dumbledore, the only wizard to strike fear into Lord Voldemort's cold heart, got infected by Character Development.

Harry still stood there blinking as Dumbledore rose, robes floating and slammed his goblet into the table.  "What in all the Merlin's beard have we been thinking? I am a powerful wizard and I can defeat Voldemort, but I have done nothing just to allow a little schoolboy to continuously battle it out with him and cause damage to our world and fellow wizards."  He nodded firmly as a few Ravenclaws joined the fainted Hufflepuffs.  "I will be off now. I will return with news of victory."  And with that he gave the professor next him, who just happened to be Severus Snape, a stern look and rushed out of the Hall.

Snape, who sat with his mouth agape, suddenly picked up Dumbledore's goblet and took a shuddering gulp.  Then he sat it down shakily and allowed the virus to finish revamping his system.  "What, by all of the dragons in Romania, have I been thinking? I have wasted years irrationally loathing James Potter, taking it out on his whole house, including many excellent students who deserve much better from me, and not washing my hair often enough."  He shook his head and made a discontented face as a bit of his greasy hair fell over his nose.  "He-Who-Must… eh, screw it. Voldemort can rot for all I care, I'm going to wash my hair and re-grade all the assignments for the last few months. Ms. Granger, you can be assured that you will now have the grade you deserve."  He stood up and passed by the Slytherin table, favoring Pansy Parkinson with a glare.  "As will you Ms. Parkinson."

The young witch blanched as the virus began to realign her personality.  Suddenly a smile broke out on her face.  "Well now, I'm just wondering why in all of the prejudices of Slytherin did I spend so much time chasing after a wizard I have nothing in common with."  She turned her suddenly pretty gaze on the busy Draco and shouted, "Hope you're happy."  A small Slytherin at the other end of the table fell off the bench.  "I think I will now go and attend to things of actual interest, and maybe even do my homework."  She laughed as several gasps were heard.  "What a novel concept. I like it."  She stood gracefully from the table, headed to the door, stopped and turned around, allowing her gaze to linger at each and every face in the Great Hall.  Then she spun about on her heels and walked out.

What happened next could only be described as sheer and utter chaos.  Now I'm sure you can imagine that Pansy's actions led to an actual epidemic of Character Development.  So suddenly Ravenclaws did something other than read books with their breakfast, Slytherins stopped admiring various depictions of the Black Mark and engaged in lively conversation on several worldly topics, Hufflepuffs started on diverse activities including reading and talking and something other than being bloody boring and Gryffindors began to rip up promotional moving pictures of Harry Potter depicted in several positions.  The professors all decided to find actual hobbies and Minerva McGonagall let it slip that she had always fancied the Headmaster.

Harry Potter burst into tears.  He turned around and ran out, blindly moving through the hallways towards the front doors, tears slipping over his pale face.  He dashed outside, across the grass, and sat down next to a large rock.  Harry tucked his knees under his chin and hugged his legs, beginning to rock back and forth.  His body shook with sobs, incoherent mutterings issuing from his mouth.   Soon they became interspersed with hysterical sounding giggles.  He rocked back and forth, sobbing, giggling and muttering, "But I'm the Boy Who Lived," over and over again.  A few feet behind him the Hogwarts squid waved its tentacles in the air with ever-increasing agitation and as Harry began to say "Lived" yet again, he was promptly engulfed by the creature before he got through the first syllable.  Those who expected that his demise would cause a rip in the fabric of time and space were… well… simply wrong.  The only consequence of that action was a horrible case of indigestion for the squid.


End file.
